Discipline & Parenting Without Stress
Dr. Marvin Marshall on Education and Parenting
“This book provides the tools to create an enriched learning environment. It provides practical applications, thoughtful suggestions, and excellent insights to improve teaching and learning in any classroom.”
Al Katz, Classmeeting Program
William Glasser Institute
A descriptive table of contents, three selected sections, and additional items of interest are posted at: DisciplineWithoutStress.com.
QUESTION:
I am still having difficulty with a few 9th grade girls who have been recently discharging negativity during instruction. When I gave a girl a form to reflect and complete this week she complied, but held onto very hostile feelings towards me because I didn’t give anybody else the form.
Despite the fact that I maintained empathy and talked to her privately about it, she would not let go of her feelings of unfairness. She is a youngster with emotional problems.
Should I be dealing any differently with emotionally impaired kids? Some of these 9th grade girls are very tough street-wise, Detroit kids with a chip on their shoulders.
I use tutoring to build rapport, but I can’t make them come to me. I use the system always with kindness, and I am completely comfortable with it. I never lose my cool anymore.
Do you think I should just remain consistent? How do you reach “hard kids?”
RESPONSE:
REGARDING COMPLETING THE FORM:
Ask the girl if she knew why she was given the form. No answering her rebuttal—if she gives you one. Continue to ask her if she knows why the form was given to her. Explain that there may be four cars speeding, but the highway patrol officer only pulled one car over for a ticket. IT’S NOT FAIR! Life may not be fair, but ask her if she understands why the form was given to her. The idea is to have her acknowledge that SHE did something that was unacceptable or inappropriate.
Then ask her if she feels your giving her the form was personal. Elicit from her the acknowledgment that your use of the form was the quickest and most effective way to stop inappropriate behavior. Explain that if a student is acting on Level B, that student is sending a message to the teacher that she (student) only understands a greater authority, thereby bringing out Level B behavior by the teacher. Ask her if that is the type of teacher she wants—one who tells her what to do and how to behave. Then assure her that your only interest is in her acknowledging inappropriate behavior and not in bossing her.
Assuming the form is an essay (not a self-diagnostic referral), ask her what she would like you to do with the form. She will probably say to throw it away. I had a wastepaper basket by my desk and after tearing up the essay, I threw it out—in front of the student.
My objectives were for the student: (1) to take responsibility for inappropriate action, (2) to realize that in such situations it was most expeditious for the teacher to act on Level B because a person who makes her own rules is asking for authority to be used, and (c) to leave with the belief that I had no negative feelings toward the student—that I was only interested in promoting responsible behavior, not punishment.
You may also want to consider asking her if she would like to have a class meeting and put the topic on the table. If she prefers not to, then ask her what can she do the next time she has the same impulse as she had previously. Elicit a procedure from her. See ImpulseMmanagement. Explain to her that unless she has a procedure to redirect her impulses, she will be a victim of them. Ask her if she wants to be in control. When she answers in the affirmative, then reiterate the importance of her having and practicing a procedure to redirect future impulses.
REGARDING WORKING WITH “HARD KIDS”:
Most importantly, resist using any coercion with them. Continue to speak to them in positive and empowering ways, let them know that you cannot and will not even try to make them learn—that learning or not learning is their choice, and continually prompt self-reflective questions, e.g., “I’m not looking for an answer, but you may want to ask yourself if what you are doing is in your own best interest.”
Finally, YES, be consistent by employing the three practices, referring to the levels of social development, and eliciting a procedure to help the student redirect impulses. For STUDENTS OF GRADE 8 AND ABOVE, rather than asking them to identify a level out loud, just suggest to them that they reflect on the level on which THEY ARE CHOOSING—both regarding their BEHAVIOR and their LEARNING.
At an International Reading Association conference, a teacher told me that her students had no motivation.
The following is my rather dense “lecture” that I shared with her. (See footnote regarding the term “dense.”)
I suggested that every student attending school is motivated; without motivation, one would not get out of bed. Whether the motivation is prompted by a situation, a stimulus, an impulse, or an urge, the person arising from bed is motivated.
If you grant me the assumption that simply by being in school there is some degree of motivation, the question then has to do with the type of motivation we are using. W. Edwards Deming—who showed the manufacturing world how to improve quality while simultaneously lowering costs through collaboration and empowerment—stated that problems are more with the system than with the individual. So it is with education. Allow me to explain.
There are three foundations for what we refer to as brain-compatible learning: (1) a safe and secure environment, (2) meaningful experiences, and (3) reinforcement.
(1) SAFE AND SECURE ENVIRONMENT
In addition to school safety, this also pertains to the classroom. For example, when a teacher asks a question and then looks around the room, finally deciding to call. . . . “Stacy!” Stacy is stressed. The student is put on the spot.
(A better approach would be to pose the question, have all the students discuss possible answers with a partner—thereby obtaining 100% participation—and then ask for a volunteer.)
You will recall how another form of stress works when, after taking a test, five minutes later you say to yourself, “Oh! I knew that answer.” The fact is that taking the test was stressful, as was putting Stacy on the spot.
A safe and secure environment refers to psychological safety as well as physical safety.
(2) MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCES
The more multi-sensory experiences, the greater will be your memory. Think of one of one of your travels. You remember visions, some sounds, perhaps a few tastes from eating experiences, some tactile or kinesthetic experiences, and even perhaps some olfactory remembrances—especially in places where the smells were outstanding. Your travel was a direct experience.
Teaching and learning are done by one of three types of experiences: (a) direct, (b) secondary, and (3) symbolic.
Using music as an example, here is how the three levels can be explained:
(a) Direct - Playing a musical instrument
(b) Secondary – Listening to music
(c) Symbolic – Giving a sheet with musical notes to a student, teaching how to read the notes, and having the student visualize the written notes in order to simulate the music.
We too often rely on symbolic experiences, which oftentimes are beyond students’ cognitive development and/or personal experiences.
And then we wonder why students lose interest in learning!
NOTE:
Especially in low socioeconomic areas, the dearth of exposure to multi-sensory, enriched environments, which sets the groundwork for learning, puts these students at a significant disadvantage. (As an aside, specialists in testing acknowledge the importance of early exposures and their significant effects on test scores.)
(3) REINFORCEMENT
The old maxim is true: Use it or lose it.
As experiences are repeated, synapses or neural connections for learning become more “efficient.”
Therefore, in order to have students motivated to learn, the teacher should use safe psychological practices (those that don’t arouse the amygdala), create meaningful learning experiences, employ direct or secondary (in contrast to symbolic) encounters, and reinforce (practice) the learning.
Without these, would we not expect so many of our students to be unmotivated?
Footnote:
Interestingly, the word “dense” usually has a negative connotation when it refers to a person’s ability to learn. However, as it pertains to the brain, watch the negative connotation of “dense” change to a positive one. The more neural connections of axons and dendrites, the more myelination and other growth that occur in the brain, the more dense the brain becomes. In this sense, the denser the brain, the more experiences and smarter the person!
In August 1986, Lee Iacocca, the president of Chrysler, was about to address his dealers at the company's annual convention held in Atlantic City, NJ. Iacocca's message was based on telling his dealers how they could increase their business in the next year. To succeed, he said, "All you have to do is memorize four words. Here they are: Make someone like you."
The truth of the matter is that you cannot MAKE someone like you—but you can certainly INFLUENCE a person. And the most effective way to influence a person is gain trust by being noncoercive.
Just think of anyone you call a friend. Chances are you do not try to coerce that person and that person does not attempt to coerce you. You also trust that person. Without these two characteristics—noncoercion and trust—you probably would not consider that person a friend.
As with the question posed in the previous post, here are a few others to ponder if you desire to to be successful in your various relationships:
If I were a child, would I want me as a parent?
If I were an employee, would I want me as a boss?
If I were married, would I want to be married to me?
I received the following e-mail:
I am trying to put together a way for the teachers at our school to reflect on their year and to self-evaluate. But it needs to be something that is do-able, i.e., won’t feel overwhelming in its scope or the time it would take for them to complete it and would feel meaningful and help guide our work together for next year. Do you have any suggestions for me?
My response was to post the following:
If I were a student, would I want me as a teacher?
If yes, list the reasons.
If no, list the reasons.
Knowing the cause of a behavior may be interesting but has little to do with changing behavior to become more responsible.
People know when they act inappropriately, but KNOWING the motivation does not stop behavior—nor does it lead to a change in future behavior.
This realization is in direct opposition to many approaches aimed at determining the cause of a behavior—with the assumption that knowing the cause is necessary to change the behavior.
As compelling as it may be to know the motivation (the “Why?”) that prompts behavior, it is the action that will be taken—not the reason(s) for the action—that determines whether or not there will be a change.
Developing a procedure to direct behavior is a significantly more effective approach than attempting to find a cause for a behavior, in hopes that knowing the cause will prompt a change.
Cigarette smokers may know the reason(s) they started to smoke; they also know the repercussions that may result from their actions. But how effective is knowing these factors in changing behavior? Just ask a smoker.
"Dr. Marshall's book addresses many concerns voiced by new and continuing teachers. This book can serve as a powerful and practical resource for educators and parents alike."
—Martha Evans, Ed.D., Assistant Superintendent, West Covina Unified School District and Senior Adjunct Professor, University of La Verne, La Verne, CA
A descriptive table of contents, three selected sections, and additional items of interest are posted at: http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com.
QUESTION:
I currently teach at the last stop for kids with behavioral problems along with drug abuse. Classroom management and discipline has to be consistent and talked about on a regular basis or the students that just arrived will not buy into the program. Your plan on discipline appears to be working. There are a few problems that I have noticed, such as:
1. It is hard to break old habits such as yelling and screaming.
2. Some students expect the yelling.
3. Some teachers won't buy in on this style of discipline.
4. Some students don't understand the mechanics of this style, especially when it works.
5. Teachers using different discipline plans tend to confuse the students.
I would like to use your plan as a template for classroom management and discipline. I understand the difference between the two. I feel that it is necessary to include both. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
RESPONSE:
When you refer to classroom management and discipline being consistent, you are talking about two different subjects. Classroom management (routines and procedures) should be practiced. Discipline, on the other hand, should be invisible.
Classroom management is the teachers' responsibility.
Discipline is the students' responsibility. See classroom management.
Superior teachers' classroom management is so smooth that it isn't even noticeable. The reason is that procedures have been taught, practiced, reinforced, and occasionally revisited. When these teachers have a discipline problem, they have established an approach where they rarely, if ever, use coercion with their students.
You mention that the system appears to be working but that there are a few problems, listed below as numbers 1 – 5.
1. It is hard to break old habits such as yelling and screaming.
Yes! That is why you need a procedure to redirect your habitual approach. See impulse management.
Think of your options: your questions, your tone of voice, and your kinesics (body language,e.g., pointing a finger vs. an open hand).
2. Some students expect the yelling.
So what? Are you going to allow them to direct your behavior? Does yelling enhance learning?
3. Some teachers won't buy into this style of discipline.
They don't because they think that discipline and punishment are synonymous. They use external manipulative or coercive approaches in attempts to change behavior. These are very unsophisticated and counterproductive approaches. Manipulation is not long-lasting, and coercion NEVER prompts a person to WANT do what you would like the person to do.
Coercive approaches are never joyful. They may be temporarily satisfying as with punishment—which may bring satisfaction to the punisher but has little long-lasting effect on the person being punished. A prime reason is that punishment is imposed. It is something done TO another person. This is in contrast to effective discipline which is done WITH or FOR the person. Nothing that is imposed has a long life because the person hasn't any ownership in it.
4. Some students don't understand the mechanics of this style, especially when it works.
They don't need to. The only thing students need to know are the levels of social development and that they—consciously or not—always choose their level of behavior. No one chooses it for them.
5. Teachers using different discipline plans tend to confuse the students.
This is not a problem for students. Young people are very perceptive. They know that all teachers are different—as are parents.
Chances are that your students have been abused or alienated and feel victimized by society. If teachers want to successfully fulfill their mission at the school, they will stop using coercive approaches. They will start to empower students—rather than attempt to overpower them.
All attendees at a conference of The National Association of Secondary Principals (NASSP) received the update of “Breaking Ranks (with the status quo) II: Strategies for Leading High School Reform”—the association’s landmark publication. In addition, thanks to a grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the publication has been sent to every high school principal in the U.S.A.
The original publication of “Breaking Ranks: Changing An American Institution” included “reducing anonymity” as one of six essential requirements to improve American high schools. Breaking Ranks II reduces essential categories to three touchstones but continues to list the importance of relationships and their importance to learning under “Personalization.”
Here is an easy way to implement personalization—to reduce anonymity—in any grade level and in any subject area: Interview every one of your students.
Even on the secondary level where a teacher may have 150 students per day, 3 minutes can be planned to interview one student each day.
An explicit message in these personal communications is one of recognition—that the teacher wants to know the student. An interview also carries the implicit message that the teacher cares about the student. This simple strategy implements the old adage that the student doesn’t care what the teacher knows until the student knows that the teacher cares.
After making a note on a worksheet, (such as Microsoft’s Excel), you can start categories listing names of students interested in
music
art
sports
movies
books
games
and then subgroups to limit the number in each category.
Set the stage by first telling students something about yourself.
Periodically, have students interview one other student whom you suggest based upon some common factor, such as one of the above categories.
Such activities will greatly enhance the possibility that every student will have at least one friend in each classroom.
I was brought up on the principle my mother instilled in me, “If you can’t say anything nice about a person, then don’t say anything at all.”
This counsel grew into the first principle of my life’s practices: positivity—described in my book as the first principle to reduce stress.
In building relationships, negativism is the biggest enemy. You don’t want it in your mind. You don’t want it in your house. You don’t want it in your environment. You don’t want negativism for those who may work for you, your friends, or your associates. You don’t want anything to do with it. When you see it, either turn around and run the other way, or ask the person how the idea can be stated in a more constructive manner.
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