Discipline & Parenting Without Stress
Dr. Marvin Marshall on Education and Parenting
Most relationships would benefit enormously if both people asked—and then reflectively answered—the following question: “What must it be like to be in a relationship with me?”
This reflective question prompts us to look at ourselves from another person’s point of view.
True change can only be activated by oneself—and the first step is to acknowledge or recognize that a change or improvement should take place.
Mimi Donaldson, a fellow member of the National Speakers Association, recently gave me a copy of her newest book,”NECESSARY ROUGHNESS: New Rules for the Contact Sport of Life.” The book uses football as a metaphor for the challenges of life.
Mimi is a best-selling author and international speaker who explains genetic differences between males and females. Here are some of my favorites from Mimi’s book:
–While watching a football game on a Sunday afternoon after the whistle blew, Mimi’s friend saw her wiping a tear from her eyes and inquired, “Why?” Mimi responded, “Oh, Joe, “That’s my favorite part of the game. The guy from one team knocked down a guy from the other team. Then he reached his hand out to help him up.” Joe responded that when the whistle blew the play was over. The guy was helping the other guy up so they could start knocking each other down again. He explained that it’s about efficiency, not compassion.
–Men bond through competition and mind games. Women don’t bond through competition. Women bond through stories.
–Men seem to be more about the destination than the journey. Women are all about the journey.
–Men talk to exchange facts, ideas, and information. Women talk to process their thoughts and feelings.
–Women tend to take in a number of impressions simultaneously and later focus on specifics. Men, on the other hand, start by focusing on specifics and then move to encompass the big picture.
As a society, we have learned that we grow and are better for understanding and accepting others. We refer to this as diversity. And it applies to gender.
After spending some time recently with me and my wife, my friend asked what was the secret to our relationship.
I replied by sharing the Golden Rule of marriage: “BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER.”
In all of our married years together, I have never experienced the quickest way to destroy a relationship: register disgust!
Here are a few procedures which can improve relationships.
Focus on observable behavior—rather than on motivation. It is difficult if not impossible to correctly identify that which motivates a person.
Saying, “I would like to finish my thought; then it’s your turn” is more effective than saying , “You don’t want to hear me because you don’t agree.” This assumption of the motivation may not only be irrelevant, it may be totally wrong.
Break tension by movement. This can be by raising a hand, sitting down if standing, extending a hand with an open palm shaped to hold a drinking glass or some other kinesics (body movement) to momentarily alter the mood.
Have an effective, self-evaluative question ready. For example, when someone expresses anger, be ready to ask, “Are you angry with me or the situation?” This prompts immediate reflection and often dissipates anger. This question can be used with anyone in any situation.
When there is a problem, I have found the easiest way to improve relationships is to have a procedure that can be implemented immediately.
The reason a procedure i so necessary is that emotions supersede cognition. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence,” refers to this as emotional hijacking.
One of the first procedures my wife, Evelyn, and I initiated on our honeymoon was never to go to sleep when we were angry with each other. On occasion we have gone to bed with feelings that have not ranked among the most pleasurable, but we never went to sleep angry. Interestingly, we discovered that talking—regardless of how difficult it was to start—always resulted in good feelings.
We were reminded of this procedure at a family affair. My cousin, a child psychiatrist, and his wife, an expert in special education, brought to mind this advice that we gave them some twenty years ago at their wedding. They mentioned that they are still following the procedure.
The same goes for me and my wife.
We are trained in a deficit model—to fix what is wrong. In a very real sense, our attention is geared at fixing others.
After a meeting with teachers, the student said to his mother, “Why didn’t they talk more about my social studies—what I am good at instead of what I am not good at. All they want to do is fix what is wrong with me.”
The mother responded by saying, “They are trying to help you.”
The student retorted, “No, they are trying to fix me.”
Such are the perceptions of the parent and child. What should it be for the teacher? The answer lies in the question, “What optimizes learning?”
Great teachers know that learning is based on motivation and that someone is motivated to do positive things when feeling good, not when feeling bad.
By building on interests and strengths, we tap into positive motivation. For example, the teacher acknowledges Stacey’s skill for analyzing social situations. The teacher then challenges Stacey to bring that same analytical talent to math or English and concludes with an empowering statement such as, “I know you can apply that skill in other subject areas.”
We should be building on people’s strengths as a path for their improvement in other areas.
I am not saying we should ignore the negative or not call attention to what needs improvement. But people get to success through assets, rather than through liabilities. This is especially the case with so many students at risk who have perceptions of more academic liabilities than assets.
Very few people enjoy being challenged. When we hear an opinion different from our own, a natural tendency is to be defensive. The reason is that we interpret our position as being criticized or, at least, not being recognized.
A simple way to turn this situation into an advantage is to ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person’s opinion?” The attitude of inquisitiveness enhances learning and diminishes chances of any negative, reactive feelings.
In addition, asking the following question may give insight into the other person’s thinking: “How did you come to that conclusion?”
Learning the thinking and/or thought processes of the other person often clarifies—in addition to diffusing the urge of a negative reaction.
Many of us see more relatives at this time of the year than at any other time.
Here is a suggestion to keep in mind. When you deal with family, loved ones, close friends, and other valued people, don’t begin a new conversation with baggage from the last one—or even think about it. If you do, one small incident or perceived slight can adversely influence that conversation along with days or weeks of future communications.
Goodman Ace, the legendary game show producer, had a classic observation: “If you can’t recall it, forget it.” In many cases, we can’t even recall why we were angry or upset. So, don’t try. Every communication should be thought of as a new one.
This came to mind the other day when, for some unknown reason, the question popped into my head, “What’s my favorite quotation?” Immediately came the response: “Don’t look back; something may be gaining on you.”
I have no idea how old I was when I heard this quotation by Satchel Paige, perhaps the greatest professional baseball pitcher of all time, but it must have had a profound effect on me. My entire life has been concerned with the future, rather than the past.
And why not? Life is more enjoyable this way. So be it with your family conversations this holiday season.
In August 1986, Lee Iacocca, then President of Chrysler, addressed the company’s car dealers at their annual convention held that year in Atlantic City, NJ.
Iacocca’s message was to tell his dealers how they could increase their business in the next year. To succeed, he said, “All you have to do is memorize four words. Here they are: ‘Make someone like you.’”
Jim Cathcart’s book, “Relationship Selling,” was a forerunner and still a best seller on the importance of this concept. You see, even the slowest salesperson realizes that you can’t make the customer angry and sell him something at the same time.
Here are some questions to ponder in your relationships with others:
If I were a child, would I want me as a parent?
If I were a student, would I want me as a teacher?
If I were an employee, would I want me as a boss?
If I were married, would I want to be married to me?
Parents and others working with young people may want to consider the willow tree.
The willow tree bends with the wind; it is flexible and flowing. The oak tree is rigid, hard, stiff, and inflexible.
During a storm, the willow stays intact while the oak looses branches.
This is an important concept in life—especially regarding relationships. Being rigid and inflexible seldom brings about optimal results for all concerned.
|
|
Get updates from Marv, on discipline and
parenting delivered to you by e-mail.
October 20, 2011 By Marvin Marshall 1 Comment
I received the following excerpt from a doctoral dissertation and reproduce it with the author's permission: "As you can tell from the dissertation excerpts I … [Read More...]
October 25, 2011 By Marvin Marshall Leave a Comment
I received the following communication: "I'm a retired electrical engineer. I recently began working as a substitute teacher handling any subject from grade 3 … [Read More...]
October 27, 2011 By Marvin Marshall Leave a Comment
Learning requires motivation, but motivation to learn cannot be forced. Highly effective teachers realize this, so they prompt students to want to put forth … [Read More...]
November 1, 2011 By Marvin Marshall Leave a Comment
The following is from an e-mail I received: "I am reading the book right now and have already tried some things on my 3-and-a-half-year-old daughter. "I've … [Read More...]
July 7, 2011 By Marvin Marshall Leave a Comment
Most relationships would benefit enormously if both people asked—and then reflectively answered—the following question: “What must it be like to be in a … [Read More...]
September 15, 2011 By Marvin Marshall Leave a Comment
A communication to me indicated that it would be difficult to have a substitute fully understand the system if the teacher hadn't actually read the book. I … [Read More...]
Copyright Marvin Marshall © 2012 · Log in · Site by SE Web Design
